My Ayahuasca Journey

A few months before the whole thing, I had been doing a whole lot of reading on ayahuasca ceremonies. My very first experience that led me to the undeniable proof that there is more to life than just the 5 senses we rely on in our day to day life happened as a result of a weed trip accentuated with brain pattern altering audio. I experimented a little bit for a while, as well as with LSD, but felt that I had reached a glass ceiling that I could not cross. For a fairly long time, I stayed completely sober and relied solely on meditation and audio to achieve altered states of consciousness.

As synchronicity would have it, I was led to read about the traditional rituals undergone by shamans in the amazon jungle and around South America. I then came across churches that had adopted the sacred plants as part of their "works". I will come again later to why such ceremonies are called "works" because this is exactly how it felt at times. So, I was planning to go journeying in South America over the next year to partake of the sacred vine. But then I read about the Santo Daime church in Amsterdam that did exactly that. After some legal wrangling at the beginning of the decade, they were permitted to use the ayahuasca tea as a healing component as part of their ceremonies.

I booked my flight to Amsterdam, contacted the chuch people and arranged to be there on one of the days that they were having a ritual. There are different types of rituals. "Cura" is meant more for working on cleansing and healing, "concentracao" is more meditative in nature. There are also other ceremonies which involved just singing and dancing. I arranged for a concentration session which I thought would fit pretty nicely for me, as I very much enjoy meditation.

I would like to point out at this point that these ceremonies are treated very very seriously by the people who carry them out. As such, there are various recommendations regarding preparing the body for the experience, namely sexual abstinence 3 days before and after the ritual, avoidance of alcohol, eating certain types of food before, and so on. I wondered about those before the ceremony, but I found out why during the actual thing. The Ayahuasca spirit is very demanding on the body, and as I will explain later, I did get to the point where I was so exhausted I had the feeling I could never stand up again to get out of the place.

A few days before, I found out I would not have to travel out of Amsterdam as the location was just on the outskirts of the city centre. A metro ride would eventually take me there. So, on the actual day I went there, and got to a place where it seems that regular workshops were being held. I saw one group in a room doing some breathing exercises and thought this was the group, but it turned out I was wrong. I quickly apologised for my disturbance and looked for another room but again it was just a completely different session. I tried calling the lady - thank goodness I kept her phone number - but could not reach her. I waited for a bit, called again and still no luck. After a few minutes, I decided maybe it was n't meant to be, so I thought I should probably leave.

On the way back after 50 metres or so, I decided to try my luck one last time, and lo and behold, this time I managed to get through. Apparently, the people were not here yet as they were running late. So, I walked back and true enough, people started trickling in. I introduced myself to some of the people, helped carry some stuffs into the room, and towards the end, there were easily about 40-50 people there.

In the middle of the room, a table was arranged into a star of David, with the chairs arranged accordingly. Men and women sat on separate sides, the reason probably being to balance out the energy. So, we lined up to give our donation, filled up a form (for the newbies) and were told to wait a little bit as we would be given some instructions. I changed into my white clothes and chatted with one of the younger guys in the crowd who turned out to be a musician that was planning on going travelling for some time. He had a very positive vibe, and at the end we wished each other good luck without exchanging contact.

Then, one lady drew us into a corner and told us how the ceremony would proceed. Since we were new, we did not have to sing the hymns, but we were told to just go along with them. There would also be people around the congregation to guide and help whoever needed assistance. The Santa Maria is also smoked during the ceremony and we were told that we did not have to if the experience was too intense. The guy I mentioned about asked about what if he had body shakings, which he previously experienced during earlier sessions with ayahuasca. I also experienced these during my earlier trips. I will talk more about these later on. The lady told us to try not to disrupt anyone and to keep our experience very personal, and in fact to avoid sharing what we saw with everyone else. That sounded good to me.

When everything was ready, the ceremony was about to begin. One of the guys who was there to provide assistance came to introduce himself. His name was Riijk. The ceremony started with the blessing of the assistance and the chanting of some hymns. At some point, the ayahuasca tea was consecrated and we started to line up for our first serving. I had read a lot about how horrible the mixture was supposed to taste, but to my surprise it was not that bad at all. It was just a little bit bitter, but nothing worse than tasting the worse medicine I've ever had to take. Then we sat down and the chanting continued.

One thing about the whole event was that it became very difficult to gauge the passing of time, so I will refrain from trying to estimate how much time passed in between the various points I remember of the night. But ultimately, the whole thing lasted for about 5 hours, and it definitely seemed longer than that to me. At about the point when the mixture was probably starting to make itself felt, one of the group's initiates, sitting within the inner circle close to the table in the middle stood up and blessed the space, saying something along the lines that this space is now consecrated and only entities and spirits aligned with God could enter and share in the ceremony. I cannot recall the exact wording, but I remember thinking it was quite poetic and beautiful. The main themes of the verse talked about Love, Truth and Justice. I thought we were off to a good start.

At that point, the chantings stopped for a while, and the first session of concentration (meditation) started. For me, the effects started kicking in, and I was in the familiar space of light headedness and mild visual distortions. As the same effects lasted for a while, I thought this is not so bad. I was still very much aware of my surrounding. In the meantime, some folks had started to puke around me. One of the guys sitting just in front stood up and went to the back. He was probably assisted by one of the guys looking after the ceremony. I could also hear some people walking to the toilet and there were some gut wrenching sounds of vomiting around.

On my part, I remembered to tell myself to keep breathing slowly. The thoughts of purging my stomachs kept coming to my mind, but I was n't too focused on them. I was conscious enough to tell myself that I had made this all the way to then, and I was going to enjoy and have a good experience and made a little prayer that I was open to meet whoever was out there that wanted to make contact and that was aligned with the pure source of love that abounds in the universe. That must have been a key of some sort. For a short while, my head felt clear and I found myself in some kind of void. Then the fireworks started.

The first visions I had involved swirling 3D tubes made up of very precise and clear geometric patterns. They made a gentle swishing sounds as they just flowed and in the background, there were more well-defined intricate geometric objects. Then I felt a block. Things stopped flowing for a bit. I did a little bit of internal scanning and found that I had reached the same point that I had experienced on a trip on mushrooms the day before. This block itself could be the subject matter for an entire essay, but I will touch a little bit on what insights I gained from those.

In my previous trip, I had come in touch with some of my familiar guides, and I mentally felt certain blocks that prevented me from going deeper within my explorations. When I asked about those, I was told they are the protection mechanism built within the left brain to prevent a frying of the circuits. What I gathered was that when we open up to the field of consciousness, our right brain in inherently skilled in doing that, connecting and interfacing with the field. But for some reason, our left brain is not. It is purely marerial and logic in nature and needs a little bit of training and nurturing to allow the experience to happen.

Now, one question would be, do we really need the left brain to enable the experience. The answer is that is most definitely. It goes like this. While the right brain is really expert at communicating with the field, once it learns how to do that, the left brain is still needed to do the translation so that our body's 5 senses can understand what is going on, and then ground whatever information is coming through into the physical body. But before the left brain can do that, it has to be taught how to. The problem of course is due to our conditioning. The left brain has been trained to reject whatever experience that it cannot fit within its frames of reference.

I will divert a little bit here to touch upon 2 phenomenons. There are folks who are innately gifted with being able to connect to spirit. In fact, all babies and children do. But as the conditioning steps in, the left brain is molded in such a way that such experiences are deemed out of step with itself, so in the future, whenever the right brain transmits those information, they are rejected out of hand. This explains why so many people reject innate gifts as they struggle to grapple with their experiences. This also explains why so-called skeptics will reject whatever does not fall into their versions of reality even in the face of evidence. I will stop here before I diverge too much.

The reason for the left brain's defense mechanisms is for the protection of the body. I feel that over the ages, this has been the primary purpose for such a thing, as the body was learning to grow up and go around in the material world. After a certain degree of maturation, it is then possible to build the bridge between the right and left brain and allow experiences of a more esoteric nature to happen. The night before, my guides told me that was as far as I was allowed to go, hence the blocks. They told me that if I feel that I am ready, I can ask for the protection to be removed, but that it has to come from that logical part of the left brain. In a sense, the left guy has to decide for itself whether it is willing to open up. I guess there is some sense in there in that it is being brought to a position of responsibility and accountability, and hence more openness. It is a bit like instructing a child to be responsible for certain things.

When I asked my guides whether they felt I am ready, I was told that because of free will, they could not tell me and that I had to decide for myself, that I had to own this. I was a little bit disappointed the night before but I did not force it. Back to our current unfolding. I did a little bit of scanning to convince myself that I was ready to step into the unknown. I went through any fears that I could have and made mental checks. A bit like a pilot would be running through a safety checklist, and decided that I was ready. It was time for take-off. I made sure that it was a genuine decision and that I was not deluding myself in any way. And finally, I did not forget to ask for assistance from my guides and whichever entity that was out there that was willing to guide me. All I had to do was ask.

The psychedelic landscape was getting more complicated and colorful, and I felt like in a space shuttle being given a ride to the edges of space. Words just fail me here. I felt static and tears came to my eyes. And then things changed abruptly. I began to feel my body start to shake uncontrollably. This is something I experienced regularly in previous trips with weed, and I was starting to feel very cold. It was not feeling so good on the body all of a sudden. I mentally tried to slow the trip but to no avail, and all I could do was to clench my hands and legs. My legs were crossed, which I was advised not to do before the ceremony as it prevented a smooth flow of the energy in the body. One of the assistant came over to me and gently nudged me.

He asked me if I could control the body movements and I said no. But then he gently urged me not to cross my leg and to let the energy flow. He had a knowing grin on his face that said, I know where you are going and I have been there too. Just relax and let it happen. It is going to be all good. So, I uncrossed my leg, sat straight and slowed down my breathing. It felt a lot better after that and the trip across the awesome landscape resumed. I got to a point where things slowed down considerably and an undescribable sense of peace washed over me. Something or someone was "streaming" into my mental field of vision. It felt like a serpentine being. It then asked for my permission to come closer, which I gave. It circled around my body for a while, and all I could feel was a very very deep sense of love and warmth.

This marks the beginning of the most ecstatic spiritual experience I have ever had. The being then told me that it had been waiting for me for so long. I was puzzled, and wondered why. Then I got the vision of a female human lover, waiting in her amazing castle for the return of her beloved. She told me that she had prepared that time especially for me, and had been waiting since the day I separated from the source for me to come back and make that connection. I thought of the first obvious question.

- Are you God?

- Well yea, you could say that, but then what is your definition of God? You have to be a little careful there for I know too well how the human mind has been fed with all sorts of weird notions about God.

And then comes a kicker.

- It does not really matter, whether I am God or not. What matters is that you are. What matters is that you have finally come home after a long and yes, very tortuous journey.

I was very disturbed at that point. The thought came to me as to whether this could be the Ayahuasca spirit that I had read about, or maybe a playful trickster that was here just to play around. She caught that thought and laughed.

- You are really funny. It is ok if you think of me in this way, for if only you could remember. I am so happy today that you have come back. It is not often that we get to meet like that.

And then something really bizarre happened. She took the form of a playful teenage girl making herself up, to look pretty, dressed in really sexy dresses. I was quite stunned and had a hard time figuring this one out. And then she laughed some more.

- You think that God only resides in the heavens, don't you? Or that I have a specific shape, that I fulfil certain holy stereotypes or something.

- Uh, yea... kind of...

- Silly you. For you today, I want to look beautiful. I want you to feel the infinite love that I have for you. I want you to know that I long for your return, that we would be finally reunited. I'll let you in on a little secret. Most humans think that God only resides in the church, mosque or synagogue or in the heavens. They put me in a nice little corner. They go to the church and pray to me and yet, when they go back to their homes and families, they forget about me, when I am everywhere. We set up this whole material world so that we can all experience it and have a good time. Can't God have a little good time too?

You were shocked to see me a teenage little girl, well the proverbial little girl that's dressing up, acting silly and all girly with her friends, that is a manifestation of the God energy too. I live and breathe in each and every one of you. Even those that you would call evil. They are my creations too, my children - and yours too, for your information! Some may have gotten lost, have taken a little bit of a detour, but eventually you will all come back home, no exception.

- But do you mean, you are... The God? You know? The Big Guy, or Woman that did it all?

- Poor thing, I can understand your confusion. I am the God that created it all, but so are you! If you want to be a little picky about this, let's say that I am that part of you from whence you separated to become an individuated soul, with a consciousness of your own. But by extension that makes you God too! I am that part of you that stayed behind, working with your guides to help you while you ventured into the unknowns of the 3D. You see when a creation is individuated from the source of all that is, the first thing it knows is that it is God. This is who I am, and this is who you knew yourself to be, but once you came through the veil, you forgot.

It is the same with all souls in the universe out there. For all, there are different aspects of the same One consciousness. You see, not all of the people that are gathered into this room right now are having the same nice experience as you. Some are facing demons, fears, which are all their own creations. But others like you are meeting God. And the God they are meeting, it is I, all the same. In that way, you are not so special, haha... But to me, right now, you are special. As I told you, I have been waiting for you all this while. I can feel that your brain is having a hard time wrapping itself around this idea but in due time you will understand.

Of course, I had a hard time. But deep down, I had never felt so happy and truly there was one all-pervasive essence - that of HOME! Unmistakable and fully recognizable. There was a real belief inside that I had been here before.

- Yes, of course you have been here before. You come here every night, in your dreams. But you leave a piece of you behind. It is that part of you that is associated with the logical side of you and which I am getting to meet for the first time, and which is what makes me so happy, for from now on, it'll be easier to make myself known to you all the time.

- But I have experienced such states before, while tripping. I may not have met you, but I know I go into heavenly realms. But I forget about it all after a while.

- This time, I promise you will remember, if you will it to, Insha' Allah. God willing. You willing! (chuckle). That was an intended pun, by the way!

It felt so surreal. God, as a teenage girl, God with a sense of humour, poking fun at me?

- But if you are the manifestation of the essence in every thing, why do some people act with mischief, not only to others, but to themselves?

- Redundancy, my dear. You cannot harm others. You can only harm yourself. Mull over that for a bit.

- Yes, I know about that. The thing that we are all one, and that when we hurt someone else, we are hurting others in the process.

- True, but you have not really completely figured out why. And now you are wondering, how can God be hurt?

- Well, yea!

- In a way, the hurt is only felt within the body. I mean, I feel sadness for you. Could you imagine if we were to allow the atrocities and pain that have come through the ages to pervade through to all dimensions? The whole of creation has been planned so meticulously. You live your life as an engineer. If you could really see the blueprint, you would be completely amazed, and applaud.

But we all did, we all planned it. It was not just some guy that sat in a room and came up with this plan. And you know what, for all of the brilliance of it, there are still things that we are finding out as we go along, especially on earth. My, my, earth... One jewel among all of our jewels. Gaia... your mother. And the human body... If only you knew, one truly magnificent and splendid creation. One day, you will find out!

Tonight my dear, is our night. The heavens is open to you. We can go anywhere you want, you can ask me anything you feel like. We will make sure you bring everything back with you!

At some point, I noticed we were near a very tall structure that had a rotating pillar in the center with other protruding arms. At regular intervals, were spherical cores.

- Looks familiar? Seen those in movies? Where do you think they got the idea?

Again, I felt the amusement at my bewilderment.

- Haha, this is so fun! Welcome my dear, to the heart of creation. This if you will is the central command, where everything takes form. The universe was created from here.

- But how?

- You are not quite ready for this yet, but your scientists will figure it out one day. They are on the right track, with quantum mechanics, and yea, that collider thingie they are building right now. One day, when the time is right, the human race will figure it out.

I saw beings scurrying around.

- Angels?

- Yes.

Now, I am kicking myself that I did not ask to be introduced. But the bewilderment and amazement still had me under a spell...

- Now, I would like to show you something.

I saw what appeared to be a ball of energy brewing, getting bigger. It was n't so much the size that was impressive, but rather the feeling of awesome power that it looked like it could wield. Question marks were popping into my head.

- This is the energy of creation! But you were guessing that already.

- But it feels, kinda... female... I don't mean to judge, but, it does...

- No worries, what you are seeing and feeling is the mother energy of creation, that from which everything is born. From the body that you inhabit to the immense universes to the tiniest of atoms.

As if to show me a demonstration of the power, it flew around like a tornado, spinning and whizzing. Fireworks display will not be the same anymore, I thought.

- But the female energy that prevails on earth does not quite match that.

- I am glad you mentioned that. If only the women of the earth knew the awesome powers they carry within them. No, we did not discriminate, but this is how things really are. The power to create is just how things are. Of course, both energies are complementary. You have to be careful not to let your brain play any tricks of superiority complex here. It is not like that. The female energy truly is awesome, but it has to be complemented by the male energies. Both polarities are needed to create.

But the creaion energy can also be a formidable force of destruction. The mythologies have got that depicted in the archetype of Kali. You see what has happened over the ages, as a part of creation has fallen deeper and deeper into amnesia, the male beings have grown very fearful of the female energy. Out of ego, they have wanted to use it for selfish purpose. When they could not get what they wanted, they have tried to control it instead. And eventually, they would try to suppress it completely.

Its expression has been mitigated, but it has lived on in various expressions. Through sisterhoods, various schools of mysteries. Most had to stay underground for fear of persecution. That was why so many schools stayed secretive. Through dark ages, that was why women have been persecuted, burnt at the stake, denied their rights. But all this is changing now. Very soon, creation will take back what is rightfully its own, and all darkness shall be cleansed.

I judge none of my children. In compassion, I have allowed them to experiment without my Light. But things have gone too far. Creation follows a blueprint, a pattern where the microcosm unfolds within the macrocosm. But the degree of pain and suffering has been quite intense. More than what was initially thought of. While this has created a school of intense and fast learning and has allowed a lot of souls to grow fast and exponentially, it has gone on for too long. The more it goes on, the further from the light creation goes. But like a rubber band it cannot go on stretching for ever. At some point, it will have to snap back, and this is now going to happen.

- Have we reached the end point?

- Not quite. There is still a lot of darkness to be dealt with. All darkness has to come to the surface to be processed and turned into light. Everyone has to come home.

Sensing a question I had about the prevailing darkness on earth, I was shown a vision.

- You see, what most humans have not realised yet is that every single thought creates. Even if not in this dimension, it manifests somewhere. Let me show you.

I was shown what looked like a pool. In it were thoughts. They looked like squiggly little sperms. Some were big, others smaller. When a thought comes about, it comes in to this pool to be processed. Energy cannot be destroyed. And thoughts represent energy. This pool was built especially to deal with so-called negative thoughts. There is no negative or positive from the perspective of how we view good or bad things happening to us, but those thoughts were those that if allowed to manifest would cause the life force within a being to be hit.

Sometimes, though the thought is given too much intensity and cannot be cleansed, and thus has to manifest in physical form in order to be released. This then takes the form of disease, bad luck and such.

- But not all negative thoughts come here. Some get trapped - into people's psyches. And this is where we have created various healing modalities to help free all these trapped energies. As we have shared with you some time ago, everyone has repressed feelings that have been trapped within the psyche and want to be released, but the human body holds on them. Do yourself and them a favor and let them go. Let us do something now.

I was given an opportunity to do a little bit of healing on myself at that point. I was shown some of the residue energies that I still had within me, and was taught how to heal them. It was something that I had been taught before, but I was having a chance to see the healing happening in front of me. Each limiting and damaging thought took the form of a scared little animal and child and came cowering to me for care and love. I took each one of them in my arms, caressed them, told them that I loved them, that I acknowledge them as my own, but that it was time for them to be transmuted and returned to the light. I could also sense the love and tenderness of my Mother Goddess as I was being guided through the process. A greater sense of lightness gently poured over me, the more this went on, the more I was feeling innocence, as if going back to being a child or baby.

As I was seeing the process going on, my hands - as in my physical body - started doing some weird movements, touching parts of my body and making signs in the air. For a while, my right and left hand hovered over my left knee, on which I had an operation some 8 years ago. I knew my knee was being made to heal at a deeper level. And then, my right hand started touching each one of my chakras, from top to bottom, and I could feel the flow of energy within each.

It still felt very surreal that I was going through this experience. All this while, I had lost track of what was happening with the actual ceremony, even though I could it make out when hymns were being sung. I could figure out that the Hail Mary prayer was being said in Dutch. Then, someone announced that there was going to be a second serving of the Santo Daime. The light was turned on, and I came back to reality. Feeling very groggy, I wondered if I would be able to stand up and walk to have the drink. I looked around and saw that some people were indeed having difficuly standing up. A few folks were lying down on the mats on the side, probably reeling from their own experience.

I remembered that I had not puked yet, and that concerned me as to whether I should still have my second serving. I thought that since I seemed to be doing well, why not. So, I walked into the line and took my second glass, which was not as full as the first. I thought to myself that was probably a good thing. The guy pouring the drink probably was experienced enough to gauge how much was good for each one of us.

I then went back to my seat, while the chanting resumed. It did not take me long to go back and meet with the Goddess. I then thought I should ask some questions about some cool stuffs. I then asked to see how I was created. I was told that my body would move instinctively to show me further instructions besides the mental visuals. So, it goes something like this.

A grain of DNA that resides at the top of the spine is taken from whichever being we come from. That being is usually from source itself, although it may have an individuated consciousness and can manifest itself in other forms, shapes and travel to multiple dimensions. This is our God/Goddess self. In the trinity, the Father. And arguably, the entity I was interacting with. Each one of us has a God/Goddess self that does not consider itself separate from source even if it has an individuated consciousness, and in fact considers itself AS source.

The grain of DNA is then split. One half of it becomes our soul. The Holy Spirit. The soul is born first. The process is very similar to that of how a baby is born. I was told that a lot of the processes that happen on earth are a reflection of how things also happen in other higher dimensions, the idea being that those are meant to remind us of home. This splitting process - the splitting of the atom also came to my mind - had to happen when the God self wanted to experience life in a body. The 3D template came only later, but there have been other body types resonating at higher frequencies before the human template was designed and created.

When the soul is born and before incarnation, it goes to a place where it still has intimate knowledge of where it comes from. I saw a joyous, eager and innocent being of my soul swimming in a pool of blissful energy and looking at other dimensions, choosing where it would incarnate. I then wanted to see if I incarnated on other planets before. But I was n't shown that, the reason I was given was that I was to work on this incarnation for now, and only after I feel comfortable and am done with the work in the body will be given to see my other incarnations.

The other grain of the DNA is kept within a cocoon, till the time the soul chooses a particular incarnation for the first time. It becomes The Son, or the ego. When a body is chosen for the first time, the other DNA half is then merged with the body (foetus), and when the process if firmly anchored, the soul then joins in to create the consciousness of the being. When the first incarnation happens, the ego itself becomes as a new being. Yet another expression of God, but an individuated one nonetheless. In subsequent incarnations, the essence of that ego self, together with the soul self joins in to the body.

The way I understand it, the ego is designed to drive the body. It is an expert at ensuring the survival of the body. The soul on the other hand is our link to our God self. In physical terms, they represent the left and right brain. In the beginning, when we first incarnated - it could be on any planet within any dimension - mostly we had a memory of our origins, but this dimension experienced a fall in frequency, and grew further and further from the light of Source. At some point, a veil grew around it, and it became the norm that every being that incarnates in a body would forget their divine connections.

Some souls became too identified with the body, and their amnesia grew further. Another quandary was that cycles of karma kept a lot prisoners, and hence reincarnation upon another, we came back. Those spirits that had experimented with their free will by creating without the light of God became the prison wardens, and became bent on seeing to it that souls would not go back to the Light. The amnesia might even have gotten so bad some may even have forgotten about the Light of Source! This is where the time has now come for creation to reclaim what is rightfully its own, and for all of us to go back home. Will some souls rebel so much that they will just refuse to see the light? Free will is the key, but what happens is really a matter between them and source. What does not change however is that all is just one.

- And now, your body is ready to experience something very beautiful. Would you like to feel my pure essence?

- Yes, of course!

I felt a tremendous energy build up at the base of my spine, and starting to coil upwards. Instinctively, I knew it was the legendary kundalini energy busrting through. I literally felt a fire burning inside, but I knew that I was in good hands, and that I would not be going through this if I was not ready.

Someone in the group then announced that we would be partaking in the Santa Maria. I saw some folks take out their marijuana joints and light up. We were to start with 3 puffs - for the moon, the sun and the stars. I took the joint that was passed to me, took the first 3 puffs and then a couple more and then handed it back. I could still get up to take an ash tray and clean up some ash that had fallen on my chair. Probably thinking that I was doing pretty well, the assistant came over and asked me if I wanted to light up a roll for myself. Feeling what was going on inside, I thought that was probably not a good idea, so I politely declined.

I then closed my eyes again, and went back to the Goddess. She told me she now wanted to have some fun and spend some time together as 2 lovers that were seeing each other again after a very long time. She morphed into a seductive snake-like being, twisting her body to the chanting of the hymns and the guitar melodies. She told me that true love between 2 beings is the time when she really gets to be close to her children. She then took several forms - goofy genie, fair maiden in the castle, seductive flamenco dancer, at which point she asked me to dance. I felt I was dancing with her in the most romantic cosmic moves ever.

She then asked me if she could feel me within my body again, because she wanted to dance to the music that was being played. My physical body then started contorting to the music, and I could feel that I was doing very feminine, very gracious movements with my hands, down my hips which started swaying on the chair.

- Thank you for allowing me for being part of the ceremony in this way. The kind of ceremony you are experiencing has been taught to humans for a very long time. The sacred plants and their spirits were gifted so that we could come down, be your lovers, move within you, so that you too could feel who you truly are. All expressions of romantic love, the fire that burns within stems from that sacred marriage that each being has with his or her own God/Goddess self. But also the love between mother/child, brother/sister, etc. Love is what keeps alive within all of you the memories of Home and Source. But like a lot of things, some expressions of it has been corrupted by the twisting acts of conditioning. Some expressions of love have morphed into issues of co-dependency which afflicts your world.

People know they are looking for something, but they have forgotten that, so they go for an alternative. But the days of remembrance are very near!

Once again, I felt really good, feeling the energy moving inside of me. Not once has there been a feeling of doubt or fear. I felt that all the previous experiences I had been going through were leading me through this. But once, again, I was told to control my body movements.

- So, they do not want us to dance together tonight...

- It's just that they have their purpose. The main thing is that this is a religious setting, so it's taken very seriously. In any case, this person, even if he does not know it, is here to guide. By you asking me to stop, this is how you learn to control the energy of God. You see, everyone wants to reach enlightenment and wants to come over to the heavens. Sure, you are most welcome to come and pay us a visit, but what I would also like you to know is that we also want to come join you in this body of yours. We want to feel like you feel, fall in love the same way you do, feel the thrills of a roller-coaster, feel all the deepest of the human emotions. But before we can join you fully in the body, we need you to prepare it, to nurture it.

You see, if the energy of God was to hit you like that with all of its might, your body would die instantly. This was our agreement. That, when ready, you would welcome us, you would tell us how much of the light you can handle. Have no doubt that for some time now, your body has been upgraded to handle more light. This is happening to everyone. And this is something that you will have to guide us. We are so eager to be reunited with you that we would just give all of ourselves to you, but you know best on how to let this process unfold. Ask to be guided. You have helpers - your guides in the ether, but also the other fellow humans you interact with. You know who they are. There will be more, you will make more connections.

So, you are starting to feel it. You will realise now that your body has used a tremendous amount of energy. Just like when a car burns fuel, or your body for that matter, it creates waste products that need to be flushed. Be ready, it will be quite hard on you, but we are here with you.

This is where I felt that I wanted to vomit and made a sign to one of the helpers of the group. He passed me a plastic bucket and I went into a corner. I then puked a thick tar like substance. I then felt my body talk to me. Tell me about all the nasty stuffs that I ate, drank as well as all the negative thoughts that I've had that were being purged from me. I felt completely drained and stayed there crouched over the bucket. I felt my gut coming apart as the thick liquid poured out. The guy then came over and asked if I could go back to my seat. I asked Goddess how I could do it, and she told me you can. Just believe and it was all in my mind. Somehow I managed to summon the strength and got up. It felt miraculous to me.

A short while passed before I wanted to puke again. More of the tar like substance came out. This time, I really could not stand up, and I asked to lie down. I was gently propped onto a mat, and a kind soul put a blanket over me. At that point, I was not having fun anymore. I could feel the toll on my body, while the energy was still very much churning inside. I asked for it to stop, to calm down and it did. After lying down for a short while, once again I was asked to go back to the group as the final prayers were being said. I thought I would not be able to stand up. But I did summon the courage, and asked for help.

As the final prayers were being said, I felt the time had come to leave the magnificent place I had visited and to say good-bye. It also felt that all spirits that had visited the group were getting ready to retreat. Once again, I felt that this was one of the many ways Spirit had kept the door open to this dimension for humans, Gods, spirits to come into communion and love each other.

- This is not good-bye. Rather, this is a reunion. We can be together anytime you like. It may not be with the same intensity. But I am there always. Please be patient. This process takes time. The prayers are now going to end. Once it's all over, you will feel fine, you will be able to walk and act as you normally would, you will be sober again. Good-bye for now.

Miraculously, as the last words to the prayer of the Lord was being said, I looked up and felt fine. And then it was all over. I turned to the guy next to me and shook his hands. The one behind me tapped on the shoulders and we hugged each other. It was obvious on everyone's face. Everyone had been to heaven and back - each in their own way. Since that was my first time, I was asked how it went. I just replied - Good. I had the widest smile on my face. I did not dare say it. I did not dare say that I met God. One lady I spoke to earlier came over to speak to me and she told me how the dance was beautiful. I just told her that I met a very beautiful energy and it just did its thing.

The room felt drunk in love. It was very palpable. Small groups then broke out to converse, and then I started to look for some help to go back. My hotel was quite far way, but I was not even bothered. Finally, I grabbed my stuffs, said quick good-byes and got out. It took me some time to find a taxi, but then I met with a stranger that gave me a lift to a nearby train station. I caught the last train to he main Amsterdam station and then a taxi from there.

I got to the hotel and quickly got ready for bed. The effects of the drink came back a little and I knew I was going to meet Goddess again, this time just being by myself. I did not get to sleep that night. We talked the whole night, I asked so many things. But all I can remember after that is that I had not felt so happy like I did that night.

The fractal nature of creation, evolution of consciousness and the of the ego

Coming soon...

Of shadowy aspects of selves.

In this post, I talk abour my own experiences with the shadow self. Spiritual literature is replete with descriptions of the wounded inner child and how to heal it. Some call it the shadow aspect of ourselves, what in various mythologies is referred to as the descent into the underworld. It embodies the traumas that we just shove underneath the carpet throughout our life until there comes a point when they come knocking on our doors and ask to be processed. Our society and culture unfortunately do not encourage us to feel and acknowledge our dark feelings, so we have a world of people living wounded lives that never get resolved and this is projected out into the world we are living in. Hence on a larger scale we all are to a certain extent responsible for all that is not right with the world. A while ago, I told myself I accept the responsibility of having contributed to that, instead of blaming some foreign powers who would not be all that powerful if we were not giving our power away to them.

I figured if I take responsibility for these by acknowledging those facets of myself that I do not like, I have the power to transmute and change them, and in doing so, I help to shine my light out into the world. But if I keep thinking that all the negative stuff are caused by just a group of people, it implies to a certain extent that the outcome rests only with those folks, and hence I have very little control and influence over outcomes in the world and I could be forever the victim. I read somewhere that the illuminati, annunaki, Skulls and Bones, Bilderberger of this world are but a reflection of the overall level of consciousness and I would tend to agree with that. Once the people on this planet deal with their own inner shadow and become empowered, all those dark entities would automatically dissolve.

I really think there is no shortcut to the pain that we feel, although sometimes, I do wonder whether there are shortcuts to any of those. I am not sure about that, but sometimes, it felt that I did have to go through everything in order to come out at the other end of the tunnel. Relationships are great examples of such scenarios, especially those that create huge shifts and intense personal transformation. We end up repeating the same patterns and going on the same roller coaster ride for another while more until we gain the perception we need to move on or the energies are just too different to coexist anymore. As long as that does not happen and the energy was not fully processed and we are given another chance to do the work. If we go our own merry way and enter into another relationship without resolving any previous issues and gained the insight that are needed to be had, chances are very high that the same patterns would repeat in another future relationship.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that there could be a method to the madness. But we could walk through the fire with a greater awareness, and that might make things a little bit easier. For example, by just feeling the pain and let it be, rather than fight it and get depressed about it. After a while, once it is released and yielded any perception it was meant to bring, it will get freed of its own accord. So, I think if shortcut there is, the mindset in approaching the situation is it. In hindsight, we could always tell ourselves that if we knew all this beforehand, things would have been a lot easier. But I have to acknowledge that from my personal experience, one or 2 years ago, I did not have the same level of consciousness, so I had to walk the path to get to where I am. I do not know whether I have to face any more demons later on, but I am sure glad I dealt with the last ones. I also noticed that our spirit always seems to be testing us to see if we really got over and learnt from the old situation before we get to move on fully.

If you are familiar with the work of Carolyn Miss, she talks about how all of the aspects we hold, positive or negative, we give energy to. Hence, the traumas that we go through cause us to leak energy. If we get a daily dose of pranic force everyday that we are alive, each of the issues, no matter how big and small cause us to lose some of the energy that we are assigned. Hence, we could be left with very little energy to drive ourselves around, and hence the reason why we may feel tired and out of it. If our energy balance runs into overdraft, that is where we then borrow from our cell tissues or from other people (psychic vampirism), and then develop illnesses or distorted karmic bonds.

Which means that every dark aspect that we face within ourselves frees up energy within our chakras, and hence we have more and more energy at our disposal to live our lives more fully and in line with our spirit. Also, because we use energy to manifest things, this would mean that if we do not have enough energy to manifest, for example a house, but we still do, that may mean that we have "borrowed" energy from somewhere and we may need to pay it back in the form of our health or mental state. It got me thinking about those people who "have it all". Money, fame, relationship, etc... and yet are not happy. I have a theory about the correlation between our level of consciousness and energy, but I think that would be the subject of a future post.

Dream Journalling

I believe we have all wondered at some point or another about which direction our life is going. If we spend some time to observe the way our lives go, it seems that we are bound to see cycles, that is patterns that keep repeating themselves over and over. This is not the topic of this discussion, but I want to bring this up in order to make clear a distinction between our conscious and subconscious mind. This also goes into addictions or other disorders or disempowering thoughts that we might get stuck with, without being able to figure out why.

The simple explanation is this. Our conscious mind is bombarded on a daily basis with redundant and insidious thought forms. The news, advertisement, our daily commitments that we have to attend to. What happens then is that our conscious mind become submerged into a sea of distractions, and it becomes very difficult to really go deep within ourselves to figure things out.

But our own destiny and creations are all within our reach. We just need to figure out where to look for them. Meditation is a very good way to do that. But one key practice of meditation is that we often try to clear our mind of thoughts. So, this is a bit counter-intuitive to what we are trying to do, which is to figure what is in our subconscious mind. Some people often divination techniques to bring out this kind of information. The technique I want to talk about here though is going to our subconscious mind via our dreams.

The concept behind this is very simple. As I have already stated, in our "awake" state, aka our beta frequency state, our mind is too laden with random stuffs for us to be still enough to figure things out. But when we go to sleep, we shift from beta to alpha to theta and then delta. The beta state is our common waking state that we operate in most of the time. When we into alpha, our brain frequency slows down a bit and we become more relaxed. The theta state

...to be continued...

HS Tarot

Worship of the goddess

In times gone by, the goddess would sit on her throne, in all her glory, showing off her beauty, her splendour and all that passed by to look on to her, would be mesmerized by that image of purity and innocence. And they would bow down, females and males alike and sing praises to her. She would drive them crazy, to the point that they would be ready to die for her, such is her magic and allure. But this is no ordinary death, for it is a conscious transition. It allows the heart of the onlooker to open through the arts, through music and poetry.

Countless authors, playwrights and musicians have sung praises to the goddess over the ages gone by. But when the earth fell, the goddess forgot who she was. She started to have lingering doubts. Her image started to shatter, and the passers-by began to look upon her with suspicions. As she tried to gain back her composure through the arts of magic, they cried foul. They burnt her at the stake. For they too had suffered a great loss of memory. And then things started to spiral downwards. The goddess fell off her throne, bruised and wounded - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

But the worshippers suffered a wretched fate as well. For in violating the goddess with their wicked invectives, they were harming their own selves as well. Their hearts hardened, like stones. The feelings of romance left them. To protect herself, the goddess put around her a cloak of protection. A wall. To protect herself, she had to let go of her own feelings. She had to forget that her own sons and daughters had forsaken her, for the pain was too hard to bear. And so she forgot.

And lost were those golden days where worshipper and worshipped dance as one. In those days, those who worshipped knew that in accepting their praises of glory, they were being worshipped too. Goddess and disciples were equal. The worshipper was the worshipped and the worshipped was the worshipper. It was a magical and cosmic dance that pulsed for aeons until the fall. Duality then sprung forth, and the amnesia became even more pronounced.

After a while, the memories started to stir a little, and there were vague flashes of remembrance. So, everyone built and started to worship idols, false gods. They were but pillars of illusion. In modern times, the fake goddesses stroll in front of cameras titillating the senses once again. But it is just a tiny speck of the glory that once existed.

The time has now come for us to remember that the gods and goddesses live in our own midst. Our brothers and sisters, our fathers and mothers, our lovers and beloved. When our hearts open again to see the beauty and splendour of the goddesses, once again they will take their rightful place back on the throne and be ready to be worshipped once more. In the same breath, when the goddesses that walk among us truly remember who they are, they will indeed, of their own will sit down on the thrones, and the onlookers will start to see once again. They will see the beauty, they will feel the magic and they will hear the music.

And the cosmic dance can begin once again. The play of love and glory, the pulsing of the divine, the masculine and the feminine within each and everyone of us. For such is our essence, as a microcosm of the macrocosm. For we all hold within ourselves yin and yang, light and dark, known and unknown. And on that day, the temple will thus flung its doors wide open, and so the goddess shall be worshipped once more.

A momentary halt in time.

Holding my fantasies about you to myself keep them pure and untainted.

Our childlike innocence and play, lost to the dementia of the ego and the quest for permanence.

Solitude beckons to the craving heart.

Only a return to the virgin veil can save the warrior from his own madness.

In surrender, passion and desire grow, pulsing and consuming each other.

The serpent devours its own tail.

The thrusts of time come full circle, into the infinity of the eight.

And nothing else remains but death, immortality and the end of time, freezed in picture perfect moment.

Fardin. Aug 15, 2008.